Road Stories – Eighth Installment

Years ago I used to work for a club owner who had clubs in Norfolk, VA, Richmond, VA, and Williamsburg, VA

During a run of those 3 clubs I was working in Williamsburg. The room was sold out and the show was going well. While preparing to ask for volunteers I went through the number of instructions that I felt the audience should consider – including, please don’t volunteer if you’re drunk.

Once done, I asked for volunteers and quickly filled the stage. If you’ve seen my show before, you’ll know there’s a few more minutes of explanation before actually getting started with the hypnotic induction.

This happened long ago, so I can’t say exactly when in the hypnotic process this occurred: Once hypnotized, but still pretty early in the show, one of the (male) volunteers suddenly opened his eyes, spontaneously cocked his head back (like a pez dispenser), opened his mouth and began to projectile vomit like Linda Blair from the “Exorcist”.  Although disgusting, it was an amazing sight.

Once he was done, I walked over to help him stand up, and told him he was going to have to leave the stage. I took a quick look around and was amazed to see not one single volunteer “woke up” from this disturbance. Before we took a step to leave, the volunteer cocked his head back a second time and spewed at least as much vomit with similar distance. Sadly my ONLY concern was more people becoming sick at the thought, sight, sound, and smell of the vomit. Other than my concern I must admit to finding the scene grotesquely funny.

I don’t remember the snarky comment I made, but I let this drunk, weight loss, hot mess know he had to leave. With that, he threw up 2 distinctly separate more times. In total he had 4 distinct, equally violent, vomit sessions with equal volume and distance, before I was able to get him the hell off the stage.

It became clear to me the volunteers were deeply hypnotized to the point they were completely unaffected by the disturbance, however the audience had no such relief available.

I found out later that drunk vomit boy went back to his seat to watch the show. However, the club owner went up to him and escorted him out of the building. The guy said he planned to stay to watch the show, but the owner told him that wasn’t going to be possible because he threw up all over himself and he stunk. So, the guy was forced to leave.

Meanwhile, I still had a show to do and there was still an ocean of vomit laying there on the carpet, with an odor that was wafting through the room. The next thing I know there is someone from the wait staff army crawling through the room with a table cloth. Once at the vomit zone, the table cloth was hurled on top of the rejected leftovers – like the gentleman from a previous generation who would throw his top coat over a puddle for his lady to safely pass over. Then, the staffer quickly army crawled away. The audience was clearly doing their best to enjoy the show while trying to ignore the noxious odor.

A little later I saw another member of the staff army crawl towards the offending area. Then suddenly there was a loud hissing noise, followed by a cloud the began to rise up into the air, followed by an odor that filled the air. An odor that was equal parts roses and puke. Yep, it turns out this Ninja was sent to covertly spray Glade on lake vomit. It was hard to tell if the spray made the situation better or worse. Over the course of the show, someone was sent on a recon mission to sneak up on the puke pool. In each case you’d head a long  hissing noise, followed by a rising cloud, followed by a mixture of vomit and roses. 

We finally got through to the end if the show and I decided to take a few moments out to apologize to the audience about the series of events that they were forced to endure through the night.

Me: I want to apologize to all of you about the events of the evening. I was torn between ending the show early vs my desire to give you the best show possible. I didn’t know if you wanted my regular show or if you just wanted to get the hell out of here. I tried to get that drunk guy off stage as quickly as possible and had no idea he would hurl so much veggie leaving. At least he’s out of here.

Just then I heard a man yell at me from the audience….

Drunk guy (yelling): I was kicked out, but went home and changed clothes so I could come back.

Everyone seemed surprised, and then we all started laughing. Once I got off stage I went over to the owner to get the details. She told me she went to quick the drunk guy out. He didn’t want to leave, but he had puke all over himself and he was disgusting. When she insisted he leave, he finally agreed to go but demanded a refund. Evidently he went home, washed his face, put on a different shirt and came back (not enough time to have showered). When he got to the club he demanded entry (there was only a little time left in the show). The owner said she would let him back in, but charged him the full admission price. He paid in full, she let him back in, and the show ended. 

This still ranks as one of the more unusual and memorable nights on stage.

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